Hey Andy,
I dated this girl, and she cheated on me. Now she’s doing the same thing with other guys. How can I make her realize that she is doing wrong? What could be her motive?
Hi, well, she could have a lot of possible motives. For instance:
- She could’ve been cheated on enough to where she decided to do the same to every guy she dates.
- She could have attachment issues.
- Maybe her dad was never a part of her life, or they didn’t have a good father/daughter relationship (this is a huge possibility).
- Maybe she has self-image / self-esteem issues (if she doesn’t feel value about herself, then she’ll feel it each time a guy compliments or woos her, and she’ll give him what he wants because she believes that’s the way to get more of it, or that’s all she’s good for).
- You’ve heard of people who cut themselves, right? I’ve learned (through research, knew people, etc.) that they do it because they feel emotionally numb, and so they cut themselves because it brings the only real emotion they can feel. Well, instead of cutting themselves, some people drink, some do drugs, and some engage in sex, because even though the thrill may only lasts a short while, it’s the only thing that brings pleasure to their life – and also gets their mind off anything bad in their life, like a short escape. (If this is her, and she’s also afraid of commitment or attachment, then it would only make sense as to why she sleeps around with other guys while dating somebody).
What Can You Do?
I’m not sure if there’s anything you can do – or not at the moment anyway. I mean, you could try to talk with her, but chances are, she either won’t listen, or she won’t care.
For instance, I liked a girl in 6th grade. From then on through my college years (I don’t think she went to college), in terms of guys, she wasn’t pleased with what she had and she couldn’t have what she wanted. She slept around, got drunk regularly (socially), and was sort of known by our friends as a whore. I hear she finally married, and I really hope things changed for her, but I don’t have a clue.
Your friend may be similar – she may just have to go through it all for a time (does she also drink? Smoke? Do drugs?). If you care about her, and you have a friendship after everything, then you may just need to be sure she knows you’re somebody she can go to for (non-sexual) support – somebody to be there when (and if) she hits rock bottom. Because there’s always a deeper meaning/reason for destructive behavior – nobody willingly treats themselves badly.
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