How To Get Over a 3-Year Relationship

Getting over a breakup - picture author = Kelly Sikkema, from Unsplash.com

Hey Andy, recently, my 3-year-old toxic relationship has ended by my ex cheating on me. Even though I know it’s good for a long run, still, I am feeling sad and miserable about it. What can I do to get over this phase and move on?

Hi, getting over a long-term relationship is never easy. Even when it was toxic, it can almost be like mourning the death of a loved one, only here, maybe the death of a relationship. Here are some ways to help you move on, and not fall back into wanting them back or feeling like you have to:

Remember why you broke up.

You may even want to write down all the bad things about the relationship, especially the cheating part, so that when you begin to miss him (and you will, because you’ll only think about the good parts), you can look at your list and remember why you’re better off without him.

Take a Break from Dating and Relationships

Take time to enjoy your singleness and get to know yourself for who you are without anyone. 3 years is a long time to date someone, so getting back to knowing who you are without them will take some time. You’ll need to filter out the things you compromised for him, the things you do that’s similar to him, etc. Granted, some of that is who you are now, but you yourself are in there somewhere, too, and you need to find that part of you. Besides, if you jump back into a relationship, it will be more of a rebound, which won’t be fair to either of you, nor good for you.

In Love with Being In Love?

I’ll tell you, I know so many people, both guys and gals, who think they need to be in a relationship to be happy. They can’t be single for too long, and think that the path to real happiness is to be in a relationship, even if it’s not fantastic, like they’re not whole if they’re not “with” somebody. For some, I think it may be more like an addiction or sociological disorder, while with others, it’s like they’re in love with being in love, so they never want to not be in love. But then, are they really in love with the person, or the feeling with being in love, you know? They’re more like parasites, clinging onto whoever they can to feel fulfilled. And by doing so, they’re never “just them”, but always an “us”. They never realize the blessing of that time in between relationships because they’re always in a hurry to get back into one.

Take Time to Reflect

What they say about hindsight being 20/20 is right. And I know, you want to get over the relationship and move on. But part of that includes the healing process. Plus, I guarantee you’re going to be thinking about it anyway, and it will come out in conversations with friends. Allow yourself to vent out and reflect on your past relationship(s) and filter them out in your mind:

What when wrong?
What went right?
What did you like or dislike about the relationship?
Does there seem to be a pattern among the guys you’ve dated?
What would you have liked to have changed?
What signs did you miss?
What did you like/dislike about the guy?
How SHOULD he have acted/reacted to certain things he said/did?
What do you wish you would have done differently?

You’ll come up with more ideas along the way, but as you vent and reflect, also take serious notes of what you’d like in your future husband (not your future dating partner). You don’t want the same cycle to occur with your next guy, so this is the time to raise your standards–and don’t settle for less.

Be Adventurous

Now that you’ve agreed to remain single for a while, you’ve got time to do things you’ve always wanted to do, but couldn’t for whatever reason while you were with him. For instance:

Travel
New experiences
Eat at a new or different restaurant
Bucket list ideas
Something fun
Go out with your friends more often
Join a gym or challenging exercise program
Etc.

Focus On Your Career

People often say that it’s easier to mourn something or someone when you keep busy. One of these ways is by taking up extra hours at work. Though this is especially helpful if you’re paid by the hour, it’s also helpful if you’re salary because you can now catch up on things you’ve been meaning to get done. Some other ideas with this include:

Work more hours (if you’re not salary and it matters financially)
Take on a new project that will take more dedication and help you stand out to your superiors
Join the group on after-work outings
Etc.

Advance Your Education/Degree

This could go hand in hand with your career, job, or desires to get into a new field, or even a promotion.

Take up some online classes

If you’re too busy to attend a college, or the funds just aren’t there, you have a lot of good classes online, some are even free or low cost. Some good online schools that I’ve looked into include:

Udemy
Allison
Hubspot
Moz (SEO, digital marketing)

Though most of these are digital-based (coding, SEO, digital marketing, websites, social media, etc.), you may be surprised at all the other (even ivy league) schools offer online courses.

Exercise

Granted, people do often “let themselves go” when they’re in a relationship, but looking good isn’t all that exercise is good for.

Whether it’s cross-fit training, strength training, running marathons, bodybuilding, swimming, climbing, sports, etc., it’s all great for your body, your heart, lungs, and even your mind and emotions. It’s actually scientifically-proven to help battle anxiety and depression. There’s also something awesome about the concentration, focus, and beast-mode.

In my own experience, I’ve also noticed that when I lift regularly, I eat better, sleep better, feel more confident, am more upbeat and positive, often in better moods, and less stressed. Exercise is a great stress reliever, too. Seriously though, there’s nothing like pushing or pulling heavy weight when having a bad day, or when I need to work through something in my mind. And for extroverts like me, it’s also a good place to make new friends.

Get right with God

There’s no better time than the present to get right with the Lord. There are several ways to do this:

First, pray.

If you don’t know how, I’ve written several articles on how to pray that will help or get you started.

Study the Bible

If you have a Bible, start reading it. When I first began reading the Bible, I was taught to read only a chapter a day. Sometimes you may want to read more, but try to limit yourself to only 1 chapter per day. And as you do, take notes, underline/highlight things that stand out, reflect on what you read throughout the day, and ask Christians you know about what you read.

But don’t just read it, do what it says. This will be hard, especially at first, because it’ll tell you that you need to stop doing things that you probably like doing, or may have been doing for a long time and thought was OK to do. And it will tell you to begin doing things you might be afraid to do, or that you don’t want to do. But like getting into a new relationship, reading, studying, and obeying the Word of God teaches you who God is. It also helps you to know the real God, who He is, what He’s like, and how to become like Him.

Pray often

Prayer is communication with God. You don’t need any certain words, or tone of voice, but you do need to share your heart with Him. And when you talk with Him, listen for Him, too. You’ll understand that part as you pray more. But you do need to talk with Him regularly if you want your relationship with Him to grow.

Attend a church:

Attending a church is a means of worshiping with other members of the Body. Community in worship is demonstrated all throughout the Bible. The early Christians also believed wholeheartedly in communal worship.

It’s obviously more difficult to attend a church if you’re in lockdown or quarantine, but tons of churches have upped their game by recording their sermons onto YouTube. Some Pastors we enjoy watching include:

Crazy Love (Francis Chan)
Christ’s Commission Fellowship (Philippines in English)
Tony Evans
Turning Point Ministries
In Touch Ministries

Get out there

Get involved in/join outings, local missions/outreach, join a growth group (which will introduce you to new people); etc.

Trust God & Put Him in Charge of Your Search

When I accepted Jesus, I didn’t really know who He was. I just knew my life wasn’t going well (relationships, job, health, etc.), and I needed a change. God had been getting my attention through others for some time, so I decided I’d give God a chance. I also decided to refrain from dating for a bit and just get to know Him. That ended up going for 3 years. But during that time, I also got to know myself, God, and raised my standards. I also decided on what standards I wouldn’t compromise on with future relationships.

About a decade or so later, the Lord introduced me to the woman I’d marry, at a time when I was just looking for friends, nothing romantic. I would never have found her if it wasn’t for God. She was on the other side of the planet, and was (is) everything I had always wanted, needed, and hoped for in a future wife.

But it took time for me to heal, reflect, get busy, focus on my education and career, research about relationships and myself, get to know God better, pray regularly, get out there, and trust Jesus with everything. It also required fasting, getting to know my future wife on a friendship basis before anything romantic, and putting Christ in the center of the relationship that was developing (since He was already in the center of our lives, it wasn’t difficult to do).

There is Hope

We tend to invest a lot in relationships, and rightfully so. We were created to be social creatures, so searching for love from others is technically in our DNA. But when things don’t go as planned, it’s really easy to lose faith in relationships, ourselves, love, and hope for anything better to come along, especially in nasty breakups (such as yours). But there is hope, or as they say, “light at the end of the tunnel”.

It’s important, though, that we give as much attention to the healing and rebuilding process as we do the relationship itself.

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How To Get Over a 3-Year Relationship

Remember why you broke up.