Why Don’t I Want To Have Sex With My Husband?

lack of sex desires
picture courtesy of: http://bit.ly/sexdisinterest

Hey Andy,

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and have been married since April. Like most couples we had sex as much as we could when we were first dating. But now I don’t know what’s wrong with me. We have foreplay, and I enjoy it a lot, and I know I’m still sexually attracted to him, but when it comes to actually doing it, I just don’t feel like it. I feel bad because I know he wants it and I want it too. It’s hard to explain, like my sex drive is gone. The worst part is I’m only 21! Why is this happening to me? What’s wrong with me? I love him and will never leave him, but I just feel like maybe this is a psychological symptom or something. Please help!


Hi. Yeah, there is that possibility that it could be psychological, whereas it would then be worth checking into a psychologist or therapist, or you could make a doctor’s appointment and talk with her about reasons you’re experiencing a low libido. However, since you two were very sexually active before getting married, I wonder if you might just need some new ideas for spicing things up, or changing in the way you play, so to say (make things less routine). For instance, Sting (remember him?) once said that he and his wife make love literally all day. When asked about this, he explained that making love isn’t only intercourse, but also the things they do together that lead up to it. For example, let the foreplay last for hours. How to do this? Take a bubble bath together; give oil massages; read a book together; put on some music (smooth jazz is nice, with or without vocals), gentle touching and kissing, teasing, flirting with each other from across the room, etc.).

Spicing it up

Some other ideas include:

  • Do video chat/flirt with each other. If you have 2 computers with web-cams, each goes into a different room and closes the door. You then communicate with each other through chat and cam, Facetime, flirting, stripping for each other, teasing, etc.
  • Trying different positions
  • Use props (like pillows, or an exercise ball)
  • Pose and take sexy digital pictures of each other
  • Try eating some different foods
  • Exercise/Workout together
  • Go on bike (or motorcycle) rides together (or horses!)
  • Switch things up
  • Go on an adventure
  • Take dancing classes (ballroom, swing, etc.)
  • Hike, rollerblade, ice skate, run, etc. together
  • Run a 5k together
  • Sign up for a class together at your local community center
  • Stay overnight at a fancy hotel, and get a couple’s spa treatment.
  • Check online (like livingsocial or groupon) for new things to try together

Whatever, but just do it together. You know, make it interesting and fun, and less “routine”.

I mention this not only because there’s more you can do to bring out the excitement, but also because it may just be more psychological than emotional or physical. In other words, I doubt your sex drive is gone at such an early age, but you may need more of a running start. So getting your mind on doing other things together (considering everything as foreplay) may help you prepare yourself (body, mind, etc.) for the intercourse part of “sex”.

Don’t Forget To Communicate

Most of all, be sure to keep the communication up with your husband. As a wife, you do have some responsibilities (as we husbands do for our wives) in the sex-department. It can’t always be about how you (or we) feel, for a marriage (and sex) always involves 2 people. Refraining from something that the other desires greatly is sure to take a toll on a marriage, even possibly becoming the platform for other issues to arise. So get working on this now, before it turns into something much more damaging to the relationship…and have fun together!

 

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