Hey Andy, what should I do when my boyfriend is angry at me and ignores me?
Hi, it really all depends on what he’s angry at you about. But if he’s ignoring you because he’s angry at you about something, then I’d suggest letting him alone for some time, until he’s ready to come and talk. See, we men were wired differently than you – not only physically, but also psychologically, and the way that we work out frustrations and anger is different from how women do.
Differences In How We Fight
I used to have a CD from somebody (previously recorded on the radio, I think), who explained this.
How Women Fight
He said that when women were little girls, and they got into fights with their friends, they’d criticize each other to the core! Very mean-like, but then the next day, they’d be right back to being best friends, like nothing ever happened.
How Guys Fight
But now with guys, if another guy were to criticize him to the core, well, as the saying goes, “thems is fightin’ words”. The guy saying them should be ready to be knocked out. So when his girl says these things to him, the “fight or flight” response kicks in, and the good men choose flight (stay away from the guys who choose the fight reaction with their women).
Now, according to the guy I was listening to, women can’t understand this. We guys need time to sort things out in our heads, cool off some, etc. That’s why you see TV shows of guys take off in their cars and driving fast somewhere, go to the garage and throw stuff around, go to the gym and push heavier weight than usual, or some guys go out for a beer (or the old cartoons where the character would need to count to 10) – we need to cool off, put our thoughts together, make sense of everything (what we did, what she did, how we could’ve reacted better, why she said what she did, did she mean it or not, was she right or not, what do we hope will happen now, and what do we need to do to help the situation get to that response?)
So if he’s ignoring you, then it may because of all this – he needs time to think things through, away from you. It’s nothing personal, it’s just how he’s wired.
When He’s Ready to Talk
Now, when he IS ready to talk, it would be a good idea to try and understand why he was upset.
- What’s he afraid of?
- Did you do something that a past girlfriend did that turned out bad? What happened?
The Need for Communication
Communication is a huge part of a relationship – when all parties are ready to talk (and no, we guys also aren’t always wired to know how to express our feelings, anger, frustrations, fears, etc. – it’s often a learned quality).
So, like I said, wait until he’s ready to talk, then try to understand why he responded in the way that he did. In the conversation, he may also learn something about himself that he didn’t realize. And, agree on a solution so that you don’t come to this road again, or if you do, you’ll both know how to handle it…together.
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